Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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