I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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