I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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