I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
