if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
