This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
