I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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