Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
