I need to stop coming to work sober
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
