i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
