Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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