Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
COCAINE IS GR8
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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