I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
