I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
