he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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