My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
