my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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