I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
