so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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