I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
