I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
