My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
