She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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