OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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