did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
