this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
