It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
