OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
