You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
