I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
