I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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