my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
