Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
