if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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