I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
