i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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