i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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