love makes seman taste better
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
