How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
