I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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