I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
