I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
