Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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