i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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