There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
