hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
