all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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