I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
