DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
