I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
