i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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