Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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