It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
