community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
