i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
