Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
