How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
