There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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