Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
