my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
